Crap In My Lap: A Precursor To Potty Training?

29 Jan

You know how you can tell when a toddler is pooping and they think they’re being slick about it? My 18-month-old daughter does that. I’m trying to help her get ready for potty training by asking her, “Are you pooping? Are you making poops?” She always answers, “NNNNNNNNO!” as if to say, ‘No Mommy, YOU’RE the one who’s making poops.”

Today as I was about to remove her diaper to get her ready for a bath, she enthusiastically shouted, “POOOOOOPS!” Excited that she might be starting to make an association that would ready her for some Big Girl Stuff like a potty chair and some pull-ups, I carefully opened her diaper. I found nothing.

Sorry Mario, but our princess is in another castle.

I shrugged it off and took her into the bathroom. She sat on my lap while I filled her tub with water. Soon I felt something warm on my thighs. “Did you pee on Momma’s lap?” I asked turning to look (she is famous for peeing once her diaper is off). Nope. She pooped. On my lap. There was a giant poop–as big as a grown-up poop–on my lap. For the first time ever.

By this time I hear my husband walking in the door. He’s greeting my three step-kiddos and I’m saying loudly, but calmly, “Michael, I need you. There’s poop in my lap.” He doesn’t respond. I hear him chatting with my bonus kids.

Me [louder and slightly more urgent]: Honey! Can you come in here? There’s poop in my lap!

Husband: Just a second!

Me: But there’s poop in my lap!

Husband: I’ll be right there.

Me: HONEY, I HAVE POOP IN MY LAP!

Husband: Poop?

Me: Poop!

18-Month-Old: Pee pee!

I feel another warm sensation on my lap and look down. My daughter is peeing now. Well played, Peanut.

My husband enters the bathroom and sets her on our toilet, per my suggestion. She stops peeing and says, “Toilet!” I wad up a bunch of toilet paper, remove the mammoth turd from my lap and deposit it in the toilet. My husband puts her in her tub while I change clothes.

It’s a start. A hilarious, craptacular start.

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2 Responses to “Crap In My Lap: A Precursor To Potty Training?”

  1. Adam February 3, 2015 at 9:53 am #

    This is fabulous. and it reminds me of the time that the boy was on the changing table, started peeing a fountain that arced left, over the side, and directly onto a very surprised cat.

    • Carla Riseman February 9, 2015 at 12:52 pm #

      That is priceless! Proof that it is better to be pissed off than pissed on. 🙂

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